Today I was reading in Ezekiel, 1:25-3:27, when God asks Ezekiel to go speak to the Isrealites as a prophet to deliver God's message to the people. One of the questions asked was "Three times God told Ezekiel, "Do not be afraid." What in this account would have been intimidating or fear-producing for Ezekiel?" My intent was only to answer the question, but then as I wrote, God spoke to some of the questions in my heart. As God always speaks to those questions, time and time again. One would think that by now, I would be satisfied with God's answers - by now I would know what my Creator has spoken into my life so many times. Yet it seems as if I needed to hear it yet again. The questions continue, and my God is faithful in answering them as if I had not already asked them countless times. So for tonight, here is the text of my answer to the question, and the conversation/analysis that followed:
If I were Ezekiel, I would have been afraid for a multitude of reasons. God was planning to use me to speak to people who may not have wanted to hear my message, and who may harm me as a result of that message. God tells Ezekiel not to be afraid of the Israelites or their words, the briers and thorns around him and then God reiterates not to be afraid of them or what they say. God sent Ezekiel to tell his own people that God was angry with them and that they better "shape up" or God would have to deliver the consequences, which for most of them, meant death. I can't imagine the fear Ezekiel must have felt as he listened to God. Are you sure you really mean me, God? Really?! Why me? Isn't there someone else who is better suited to do that? -- I know those are questions I ask God frequently as I discern the calling that God has for me. Is that really what You want me to do, God? Couldn't you find someone else? Someone less broken, less messed up? Someone who feels more in control of themself and their emotions? But then God gently reminds me... Lorrin, you're all broken. You're all messed up... and why do you need to be in control of yourself and your emotions anyway? That task is far too large for you to handle... you weren't meant to. Why don't you let me handle that. And Lorrin.... this is what I created you to do. I created you to speak, I created you to be My voice to My people. I created you to lead, I created you to sing, to preach, to care for My children. To heal broken hearts and minds. This is what I made you for! This is what I spoke you into existence to do. Every step of your life has been ordered in such a way that you have been prepared for this, good and bad. I took the awful things of this world, the things that no one wishes to speak about and used them for My glory. And although I did not allow them to happen, I was there when they did. Although I saw your hurt and pain, I did not stop it because I love all of my children enough to give them free will, and with that free will, too often you hurt each other. But I loved you through it, even when you refused to love Me. Even when you were angry with Me, and even when you turned your back and ran in the other direction. I loved you all that time, and guess what.... I still love you, more than you could ever comprehend! Don't be afraid, My child, My beautiful daughter, don't be afraid, even for a minute! Let Me fill you, let Me surround you with My love, and let Me cause you to overflow with My love. Let Me hold you.... and let Me comfort you beyond what anyone else could ever do. I am your Creator, I am your Father, and you are my daughter. Come.
Wow... sometimes God and I have really great conversations, and I never know when they're coming. Sometimes it's just in my head, sometimes (as this one) it gets written out during my journaling. What a wonderful and incredible God I serve that God can be so close to me, as close as the very breath I breathe. And God knows my thoughts, my heart. Every moment I begin to think that ministry is not for me, each time I doubt, each time I am afraid, God comes to remind me of my great purpose, which can only be fulfilled in God.
So this is my prayer for tonight, Gracious and Loving God, use me. Fill me up until I overflow with Your love. Thank You for gently reminding me of the purpose You have planned for me - for each of us. Thank You for equipping us, for never leaving us, not even in our darkest hours and when we turn our backs and run from You. Fill us, God. We are Yours and You have so graciously given of Yourself for us. Thank You for Your sacrifice and for reminding us how special each of us is to You, our King. In Your most Holy Name, Amen.
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